


Interstential Crisis

by TheTimelessChild0



Category: The Good Place (TV)
Genre: Desperation, Embarrassment, Urination, humanized michael
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-17
Updated: 2019-11-17
Packaged: 2021-02-07 22:15:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,312
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21465394
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheTimelessChild0/pseuds/TheTimelessChild0
Summary: Not all the effects of Michael staying on Earth were *soft*..
Comments: 1
Kudos: 12





	Interstential Crisis

Michael leaned backwards slightly in his comfy chair. He was reading the newspaper, just having an off day, while the rest of team Cockroach were investigating good examples of good and bad in the modern age. If they could come up with a good points system, then the demons couldn’t send his friends to the bad place, despite all they had done on earth, “against the rules”. He chuckled to himself reading yet another story about Donald Trump. He didn’t fancy the idea of giving his former boss a win, but delighted in yet another Trump getting tortured in the Bad Place. 

His legs were crossed at the ankles, placed comfortably atop his desk. Well, reasonably comfortably. He crossed his legs further in response to a sensation. Michael didn’t think much of it. His human suit was still new to him, even after a few thousand years. He just figured it was his underwear itching. 

_ Maybe I should buy underwear that isn’t made of suit material? Do they have cotton boxers in argyle? Okay, now I’m thinking too much, I’m turning into Chidi… _

He chuckled even more, as he imagined one of the “proper” demons becoming like Chidi, incapable of deciding any individual torture. He crossed his legs again, tighter. The sensation had become worse. And it definitely wasn’t his clothes. It was a sort of, pinching feeling. Every time he moved his legs even a little, it pinched again. 

Michael moved his legs off the table. Instantly, the feeling went away. He frowned. Then, tried to move his legs apart. It didn’t pinch, more tickled. He shifted in his seat. It felt like something was disturbing his entire  _ groin _ region. His eyes widened. 

“A lot of money is spent each year on humans having embarrassing things wrong with their genitals,” he stated out loud. “But, that couldn’t affect me..I’ve barely taken off my suit let alone my underpants. I hated getting mosquito bites down there.” Michael shuddered in remembrance. 

Scouring his infinite brain full of celestial knowledge, he could find zero reasons why a  demon would have a problem with his “accessories”. He shrugged. 

_ That must be it. I’m turning human. Fascinating. Hope I don’t need a doctor. So many of them are ducks. I could never understand what they’re saying. _

He turned to his knowledge of human ails. It didn’t feel like there was anything on his genitals that weren’t there before. So that ruled out infections and rashes. He tried pinching his crotch with two fingers, since whatever was the source of the problem, seemed to like pinching. Just like when he crossed his legs, the feeling went away. An idea struck him. He pinched with three fingers, which made the nails dig into him, so he grabbed with his whole hand. It seemed to support his hypothesis. It felt like he was closing a door on something. Something heavy. A press to his abdomen confirmed it. There was something there, that wanted out through his crotch. 

Michael sighed worriedly.  _ Well, there you go. Urination. I need to pee.  _

That complicated things. While he knew how to fix infections, “just dab some cream on there”, toilets were something he never understood. It made for a fun torture tool; create a fake one, reveal it as something painful, like a hot stove, then watch the victim soil themselves. But having to avoid such humiliation himself, by not only locating a toilet, but using it correctly..was quite stressful. 

“Okay, Michael you can do this. First thing to do: find a bathroom.” Michael stood up from his seat, kept his thighs firmly together to keep the unpleasant tickling away, and opened the door. The hallway was empty. Unfortunately, it was also infinite. For no reason at all, he thought he was in Janet’s void. 

“Janet?” he called out. Janet could materialise anything inside her void, and definitely had to make a bathroom while the humans were in there. 

Janet appeared. “Hey, Michael. What’s up?” she asked. Then she added “and why are you touching yourself?” as she spotted where he had his left hand.

“I’m not” Michael assured her, quickly putting both hands behind his back.

“Yes, you were. Why were you doing it on the  _ outside  _ of your clothes?” Janet questioned.

“You can ask one of the humans later, right now I need some directions,” he explained, blushing.

“Do you need somewhere to masturbate? I can lock your office for you,” Janet offered. 

“No! And not so loud..I need, a bathroom,” Michael stated quietly. 

“Why?”

“I have to pee,” he gave her a look showing that he was just as confused as she was. 

“Demons don’t do that,” Janet reminded him.

“Well, apparently now _I_ _do_, “ Michael noted. 

Janet was mildly concerned that this was happening to her boss, but nonetheless, waved for him to follow her to the bathroom. He did so, walking almost as fast as she did. She sped up, since, if he’d been human the whole time, it would mean he was getting  _ desperate _ . Which probably was the case, anyhow. 

“Here you go, I’ll wait outside. Just take your time. Rushing can lead to urinary retention,” Janet advised.

“Which means eventually wetting yourself,” Michael assumed. Janet nodded. He quickly went inside the bathroom and into a stall. 

He had to remember how he’d seen Jason do it outside a bunch of times, both on earth  _ and  _ in the Bad Place neighboorhood, of course. 

_ He had his ‘thing’ out in the open... _

Michael unzipped, pulled himself out and pointed it at the toilet. The lid was down for some reason. 

_ No, that can’t be it, the pee would go everywhere. Totally unsanitary _

He lifted the lid, and pointed at the water. 

_ Yes, that must be it. That way, it flushes away  _ ** _with_ ** _ the water, _

Michael, as any human born after him, thought of all the water he’d ever seen in any realm of existence. He felt something bubbling at the tip, and bent backwards like he was still in his chair. Relaxing. A powerful gush of urine shot out, as the floodgates opened. Michael clenched up in surprise. 

“Ooh. That felt good” he noted. The pain that appeared, told him he needed to relax again. So he did. Fascination combined with relief. He tilted his head back in ecstasy. All the trouble the humans were risking with this bodily function, seemed at least partially worth it. After “taking his time” Michael shook off the last few stubborn drips, put himself back in, and zipped up. Shortly after, he learned why humans were using sinks so much. Expelling waste meant getting it on your hands.  _ Still, better than human intestines, _ he reasoned.

*********

Janet was, as she had promised, waiting outside for an explanation. 

“How did this happen to you? Did you get punished without telling me?” she interrogated. 

“I think it’s a side effect of my time on Earth, no I did not get punished, and before you suggest we get out of here, may I remind you, we will both be marbled,” Michael reassured her, and warned. 

“Have you noticed any other signs of mortality?” Janet asked. 

“No, but keeping the humans safe from cuts and bruises should mean the same for me.” Michael reasoned. 

Janet nodded. 

“How often do humans urinate?” Michael asked. He needed to be prepared to go again. 

“It depends. For a  _ human _ male of your height, I’d say anything between 3-5 hours” Janet informed.

He promptly set a timer for 2.5 hours and traced his steps back to his office. 

On his checklist of what do when confronted by his superiors, he added “ _ get urinary tortures removed from the Bad Place” _ . 

_ I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. Especially not myself,  _ he thought, putting his glass of water further away from him, before taking a small, careful sip.

The End.


End file.
